Beyond the Self: Why Identity Must Become More Relational
- Luis A. Marrero
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
© 2026 Luis A. Marrero. Boston Institute for Meaningful Purpose
Discovering Life's Answers, one meaning at a time. (tm)
Do not expect lasting cooperation from cultures that continuously train people to place the self at the center of life and work.
When Good Intentions Still Fail
While listening to a recent practitioner client (let’s use the alias “Charles”), frustrated by the limited results of his intervention, I realized his explanation reflected a pattern I have increasingly heard over the past several years.
At one point, I asked him: “What identity theory is informing your intervention with the client?”
He referred to a well-known and widely used self-theory commonly applied in contemporary practice.
I paused for a moment, feeling genuine empathy for Charles.
Then I replied:
“Charles, do not expect lasting cooperation from cultures that continuously
train people to place the self at the center of life and work.”
He looked surprised.
I continued:
Why Relationships Alone Are Not Enough
“Charles, many contemporary identity theories correctly recognize that human beings need relationships, connection, and belonging. For example, Self-Determination Theory emphasizes autonomy, competence, and relatedness as essential psychological needs.
“But here is the deeper issue: relatedness itself can still become self-referential if relationships are interpreted primarily through the lens of self-interest, self-validation, status, emotional security, or personal gain.
“In other words, simply including relationships in a theory does not necessarily produce a genuinely relational identity system.
“A person may be surrounded by relationships and still interpret life primarily through self-reference.
“That distinction matters enormously because human systems often begin fragmenting when relationships become primarily transactional rather than participatory, responsibility-centered, and oriented toward shared flourishing.”
I paused briefly before adding:
“This is one of the reasons Meaningful Purpose Psychology or Logoteleology began developing a more relational and meaning-centered understanding of identity — one designed not only to explain individual functioning, but also the conditions that allow people, organizations, and societies to flourish together.”
Why Human Systems Begin Fragmenting
When human beings are taught to interpret life primarily through self-reference, human systems often begin drifting toward fragmentation, transactional relationships, distrust, polarization, and weakened cooperation. In many cases, the very frameworks designed to improve human functioning may unintentionally reinforce the conditions contributing to dysfunction in the first place.
When the Self Becomes the Center of Life
Modern psychology has helped us better understand the self. Concepts such as self-esteem, self-awareness, self-determination, and self-actualization have contributed significantly to human development.
But an important question deserves more attention:
What happens when life becomes overly centered on the self?
Not narcissism. Not selfishness in the clinical sense. Simply a way of interpreting life where the self becomes the main reference point for meaning.
This matters because many of the challenges we see today — loneliness, polarization, anxiety, social fragmentation, and declining trust — may not only be social or political problems. They may also reflect deeper problems in how people construct meaning and identity.
Two Different Ways of Building Identity
Many people today are encouraged to:
“find themselves,”
“build their brand,”
“protect their peace,”
and “maximize personal success.”
Some of this is healthy. Personal growth and autonomy matter.
But when identity becomes primarily self-referential, people can gradually become trapped in:
constant comparison,
fragile self-worth,
transactional relationships,
and a lingering sense of emptiness despite achievement.
Research supports this concern. Studies on materialism and extrinsic motivation have linked highly self-focused value systems with lower well-being, higher anxiety, and reduced life satisfaction (Kasser, 2002; Ryan & Deci, 2017).
Toward a More Relational Understanding of Identity
Human beings flourish not only through self-development, but through meaningful connection, contribution, responsibility, and participation in something larger than themselves.
This does not mean losing individuality. Healthy identity requires both:
personal autonomy,
and meaningful connectedness.
Too much self-focus can lead to isolation. Too much conformity can erase individuality.
Human flourishing appears to require both.
Why This Matters
This is not merely philosophical. It affects:
leadership,
organizations,
families,
education,
mental health,
and society itself.
When cultures become excessively self-referential, empathy and shared responsibility often weaken. Relationships become more transactional. Institutions become harder to trust. Collaboration declines.
By contrast, relationally grounded meaning systems tend to strengthen:
belonging,
resilience,
cooperation,
psychological safety,
and shared flourishing.
This is one of the central concerns explored within Meaningful Purpose Psychology or Logoteleology: how the meanings people construct shape both personal and collective outcomes.
When meaning becomes distorted, fragmented, or disconnected from reality and relationships, people can enter what Logoteleology calls dysmeaning states — situations in which meaning itself begins to work against human flourishing rather than supporting it.
What Can We Do About It?
The solution is not to reject individuality or ambition. The goal is integration.
Some practical starting points include:
examining whether success has become disconnected from contribution,
strengthening meaningful relationships rather than merely expanding networks,
practicing intellectual humility and openness to correction,
reconnecting purpose with service and responsibility,
and creating organizations and communities built around shared flourishing rather than pure competition.
At both personal and societal levels, healthier futures may depend on learning how to balance:
autonomy with responsibility,
achievement with contribution,
and personal growth with meaningful connection.
Beyond the Self
The deeper question may not simply be:
“Who am I?”
But rather,
“Does the future of human flourishing depend on whether we continue organizing life primarily around the self — or learn how to flourish together?”
If these ideas resonate with you, consider joining one of our upcoming experiences through the:
These sessions explore how meaning shapes identity, relationships, organizations, and the future we collectively create.
References
Adler, A. (1927). Understanding human nature.
Burke, P. J., & Stets, J. E. (2009). Identity theory.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Frankl, V. E. (1959). Man’s search for meaning.
Kasser, T. (2002). The high price of materialism.
Marrero, L. A. (2013). The Path to a Meaningful Purpose: Psychological Foundations of Logoteleology.
Marrero, L.A. & Persuitte, D. (2022). Meaningful Purpose: A Primer in Logoteleology
Marrero, L. A. (2025/June/5). A layman’s view to understanding identity: A comparison of two perspectives. Boston Institute for Meaningful Purpose. https://www.bostonimp.com/post/a-layman-s-view-to-understanding-identity-a-comparison-of-two-perspectives
Marrero, L. A. (2015/January/9). A logoteleological meaningful purpose-oriented reframing of identity self-theories. Boston Institute for Meaningful Purpose. https://www.bostonimp.com/post/a-logoteleological-meaningful-purpose-oriented-reframing-of-identity-self-theories
Mead, G. H. (1934). Mind, self, and society.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness.
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