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The Link Between Forgiving Others and Forgiving Yourself

Writer's picture: Luis A. MarreroLuis A. Marrero
Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. ~ Roberto Assagioli ~
Forgiveness

Does depressive guilt plague you? Do you find it difficult to let go of past mistakes, whether yours or others? Have you ever noticed that your inability to forgive others might reflect your struggles with self-forgiveness? If so, you are not alone. Many people struggle with forgiveness, both outwardly and inwardly. Research suggests a strong link between an unwillingness to forgive others and an inability to forgive oneself. When we hold onto resentment, it often reflects unresolved inner struggles. Understanding this connection can help us move toward emotional well-being and healthier relationships.


But let us start with some relevant definitions of the subject.


Forgiveness is “a willingness to abandon one’s right or resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who has unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” (Enright et al.,1998, pp. 46-47)


Self-forgiveness is the process of accepting responsibility for one's mistakes or wrongdoings, experiencing appropriate guilt or remorse, and then releasing oneself from self-condemnation to restore emotional well-being. It involves self-compassion, a commitment to personal growth, and a conscious decision to move forward without being burdened by past errors. (Hall & Fincham. 2005)


Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as treating oneself with kindness, recognizing shared humanity, and maintaining mindfulness in the face of personal shortcomings (Neff, 2011). She emphasizes three core components:

  1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment – Being understanding rather than critical of oneself.

  2. Common humanity vs. Isolation – Recognizing that suffering and failure are part of the shared human experience.

  3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification – Maintaining balanced awareness of painful thoughts and emotions rather than exaggerating or suppressing them.


Difference Between Self-Compassion and Self-Forgiveness

While self-forgiveness focuses on letting go of guilt and self-condemnation after a perceived wrongdoing, self-compassion is a broader concept that involves treating oneself with kindness regardless of mistakes or shortcomings. Self-compassion can facilitate self-forgiveness by reducing self-criticism and promoting emotional healing, but it is not limited to situations involving guilt or wrongdoing.


Based on sound science, Meaningful Purpose Psychology states that a willingness to forgive others from the heart contributes to internal peace. For instance, in Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope, Everett L. Worthington, Jr. shares that “People who forgive experience greater psychological well-being, including lower levels of anxiety, depression, and hostility.” (Worthington, 2007). Authors Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons state, "As people truly forgive from the heart, they report greater inner peace, emotional balance, and improved overall well-being.” (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).  The point is that if we want more peace and peace of mind, we would be well-served to let go of barriers that keep us apart – including the barrier of unforgiveness.


Offenders and Offended

Offenses are common and part of being human or the human experience. We all have been the offenders or the offended. In the heat of the situation, we can forget our common humanity and set aside the value of compassion, empathy, and the opportunity for all stakeholders to improve. There is no credible evidence to justify harboring the feelings and thoughts that go with resentment. On the contrary, as already stated, it can harm you.


Do not get me wrong; there are situations where forgiveness is difficult (Augsberger, 1981). Moreover, while there are paths to reconciliation, forgiveness might be as far as things can go. There are circumstances where staying apart is the prudent and safe thing to do.  However, genuine and willing forgiveness will free you and others from a harmful and toxic lasting dynamic.


While the two interpersonal roles of the offended and offender are problematic, they also apply to intrapersonal dynamics—when we feel offended by our own actions. As mentioned, how we deal with our internal conflict dynamics can be a mirror that reveals our disposition to forgive others. And, that is precisely what this paper will cover – is there a correlation between your willingness to forgive others and yourself?


A Link Between Unwillingness to Forgive and Inability to Self-forgive

The truth is that many people struggle with forgiveness, whether toward others or themselves. As stated, research suggests a strong link between an unwillingness to forgive others and an inability to forgive oneself. When we hold onto resentment, it often reflects unresolved inner struggles. Understanding this connection can help us move toward emotional well-being and healthier relationships. (Neff. 2011)

Holding onto resentment increases stress and harms health, whereas forgiveness has been shown to lower blood pressure and cortisol levels. (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015)

How Forgiveness Works

Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or forgetting what happened. Instead, it is about releasing resentment and finding peace. When people cannot forgive themselves, they often find it difficult to extend forgiveness to others. This is because feelings of guilt and self-criticism create a harsh internal environment, making it easier to judge others. Negative thoughts and feelings invite more negative attitudes and dispositions.


Forgiveness is about personal power. It’s about taking back control of your emotional life and finding peace. (Luskin, 2002)

Examples of How Self-Forgiveness and Forgiving Others Are Connected

  1. A Friend’s Mistake: Imagine a friend forgot your birthday. If you are harsh on yourself for small mistakes, you may feel personally hurt and find it hard to forgive them. However, if you are kind to yourself when you make mistakes, you are likelier to extend the same kindness to others.

  2. Workplace Tension: A coworker takes credit for your idea, and you hold onto anger. If you tend to dwell on your own past mistakes, you may also struggle to let go of resentment toward them.

  3. Family Conflicts: Many family arguments stem from past grievances. For instance, if you struggle to forgive yourself for not being perfect, you may unconsciously expect perfection from family members, making it harder to release past conflicts. Holding onto resentment and criticism can sometimes be a symptom of unresolved self-judgment rather than solely the fault of others (Hall & Fincham, 2005).


Tips for Ensuring Well-Being Through Forgiveness

  1. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that self-forgiveness is essential for growth. Study self-compassion, practice mindfulness, and evaluate the fortitude of your values to determine if they are there to take care of you and support others virtuously.

  2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Question your thoughts when you struggle to forgive yourself or others. Ask yourself if holding onto resentment is helping or hurting you. Ask yourself if your thoughts and feelings are uplifting or demeaning. Follow through on those answers that are noble and virtuous.

  3. Journaling: Writing about your feelings can help you process feelings and emotions and identify patterns in your thinking. The goal is to enhance what is positive and purge what is not. Allow journaling to guide you to focus and remain on the meaningful path.

  4. Seek Perspective: Talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist for a different perspective. Allow yourself the space to decompress in a safe environment, sort out what happened, and develop the best possible-worthy resolution.

  5. Meditation and Mindfulness: These practices help you stay present and let go of past grievances. Learn meditation and mindfulness techniques that will allow you to discern with compassion and clarity. The goal is to achieve inner peace through self-love and love toward others.

  6. Break the Cycle of Hurt: According to Karpman’s Drama Triangle, conflict is often perpetuated by the recurring roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer. When we hold onto blame, we stay trapped in this cycle. However, one can be the courageous person who ends the cycle of finger-pointing through compassion, self-responsibility, and a commitment to peacemaking. Breaking the cycle also means embracing the freedom and peace that comes with self-compassion.

  7. Understand the Benefits: Studies show that forgiving yourself and others reduces stress, improves relationships, and increases overall well-being. Research such studies. Tell yourself, “It is true, and I can do this.” You want and deserve inner peace – and forgiving yourself and others can make a meaningful difference if you follow through.


Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Self-forgiveness allows us to extend kindness to ourselves and others, creating an environment where emotional healing and peace can thrive. (Neff, 2011)

Final Thoughts

This article was written to answer the question, “Is there a correlation between your willingness to forgive others and yourself? The evidence is strong and convincing that there is.


Forgiveness is a powerful tool for emotional healing. Working on self-forgiveness and self-compassion makes extending kindness and understanding to others easier. Letting go of resentment can lead to inner peace, stronger relationships, and a happier life. Forgiveness toward self and others will keep you on The Meaningful Path. Being self-compassionate can help you experience the blessings of forgiving others and promoting peace for all.


Finally, we encourage you to reflect on the insights shared in this article, especially the tips for fostering well-being through forgiveness. Thoughtful reflection and a genuine commitment to healing through action can bring lasting peace to your and others’ lives, making it a truly worthwhile endeavor.


If you want to learn more about Meaningful Purpose Psychology’s “The Meaningful Path,” please contact us. We are here to serve.


To learn more about becoming a Certified Meaningful Purpose Practitioner, please click here. Or contact Luis here.


Boston Institute for Meaningful Purpose. Discovering Life’s Answers. ™


References

  • Augsberger, D. (1981). Caring enough to forgive: Caring enough not to forgive. Scottsdale, PA: Herald Press

  • Enright, R. D., & Coyle, C. T. (1998). Researching the process model of forgiveness within psychological interventions. In E. L. Worthington (Ed.), Dimensions of Forgiveness (pp. 139-161). Radnor, PA: Templeton Foundation Press

  • Enright, R. D., Freedman, S., Rique, J. (1998). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness. In R. D. Enright & J. North (Eds.), Exploring forgiveness (pp. 46-62). Madison: University of Wisconsin Press

  • Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.

  • Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self–forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621–637.

  • Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.

  • Marrero, Luis A. (2013). The Path to a Meaningful Purpose: Psychological Foundations of Logoteleology. iUniverse

  • Marrero, Luis A. & Dan Persuitte (2022). Meaningful Purpose: A Primer in Logoteleology. iUniverse

  • Marrero, Luis A. (2024). Harmony in Meaning: Unlocking Peace, Confidence, and Happiness through Meaningful Purpose (www.bostonimp.com/blog)

  • Marrero, Luis A. (2024). Peace on Earth Requires Goodwill and Forgiveness (www.bostonimp.com/blog)

  • McCullough, M. E., Pargament, K. I., & Thoresen, C. E. (2000). Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice. Guilford Press.

  • Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. HarperCollins.

  • Toussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., & Williams, D. R. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. Springer.

  • Worthington, E. L. (2007). Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. InterVarsity Press.

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